2010. . . Whatever.

For the link to my actual blog:  http://ldclark12.blogspot.com

Well, here I am again, writing the third annual Leslie Clark Year-in-Review.  I don't know what spurred me to begin this tradition, but now I feel obligated to keep it up.  It is interesting to go back and look over how things have changed.

10 years ago today I was halfway to college graduation, partying in with college friends with no idea what I wanted to do with my life.

5 years ago today I was preparing to be engaged, 4 years into my teaching my career, and already questioning whether I would be able to continue teaching until retirement.

2 years ago today I had begun a Master's degree fully preparing to leave education.

Today I have a Master's degree that I am not using, I'm still in education, and I still don't know what I want to do with my life.  All I know is that I have great family and great friends.

I think I want to be a Yoga or Pilates instructor.  But that's another blog post.

There really isn't much to reflect on this year.  Other than one major event, it has been a very quiet year.  It has been a year of healing, however, and a year of learning to let go, of learning that I don't have to have all of the answers, even if I think I do.  It has been a year of great disillusionment as I've seen many things that aren't as they appear to be, or how I think they should be.  It has been a year of wondering and questioning and doubting.  "The year of the Mustard Seed," I like to call it.

It doesn't even really feel like a new year is about to roll over.  It just feels like I am in this place of waiting, the place Dr. Seuss warned us all about.  I have no idea what I'm really waiting for.  Well, waiting for someone to show up and spontaneously clean my house, of course.  Who isn't?  But also waiting for something else.  Something big.

Last year I made a pledge to take a great big step out in faith.  Well, I did, and it wound up being the most painful think I have ever had to endure.  I'm sure I will take the same step this new year when the time comes, but I don't know if I will be able to take it as eagerly as I did before.  

It is also the time for making a bunch of promises to myself I probably won't keep.  Really, whose bright idea was the "New Year's Resolution?"  So in order to make myself feel less guilty when these promises fall on their respective faces, I will not be making a list of "New Year's Resolutions" this year.  Instead, I will be making a list of "New Year's Intentions."

1.  I intend to get myself back in shape, in shape enough that I can run 10 miles without stopping.  Not in any specific time, but just do it.  I discovered this year that I would rather just run and run and run rather than try to finish a set distance or run for a set amount of time.  So the number 10 is arbitrary, but I feel like I have to put a number in the intention somewhere.

2.  I intend to renew my relationship with God.  I spent the better part of 2009 being mad at him, but I know I need him.  Some will call me weak for this, and that's ok.

3.  I intend to find a way to work with children, whether it be volunteering somewhere, getting back into a classroom, or SOMETHING.  I MISS KIDS.

I think I'm going to stop with just those three right now.  But I've also been thinking about things I would like to do before I die.  Don't really know why I've been thinking these things.  Probably just bored with vacation.  No, that can't be it. . . but here are some of the things I've come up with:

1.  Get my dogs trained and certified for Love on a Leash.  (Claire and Chelsey, you can stop laughing anytime now.)
2.  Sit in the live audience of Saturday Night Live.
3.  Go to a Cubs game at Wrigley Field.
4.  Go to Spain, Italy, Austrailia, and Ireland.
5.  Live ANYWHERE but here.  At least for awhile!
6.  Own a Wrangler/ Rubicon again.  (I miss mine so much!!)
7.  Be debt free.
8.  Backpack from coast to coast.
9.  Go back to Vegas and ride EVERY roller coaster.
10.  Go to Walt Disney World.
11.  Go to Yellowstone and Glacier National Parks.

That's it so far.  I think there were others, but I can't remember them.  That's what I get for not writing them down!

Thank you to those who choose to share in my narcissistic blogging about all things me.  :)   I hope you all have a wonderful, safe, and reflective New Year's Eve, and a Happy New Year's Day.  May your new year be filled with blessings, and may it not take you until April to stop dating things 2009.  :)

Here's to 2010. . . Whatever.

Peace,
Leslie

Christmas Wisdom. . .

Always take the time to stare at your tree with the lights off.

A brightly lit tree is a symbolic, philosophical thing.  Standing in the corner of a room, quiet, beautiful, wanting nothing more than to be admired. 

But the true wisdom is in a dark Christmas tree.  For it is only when gazing upon a dark tree, do you see exactly how uneven your ornaments are.

Peace!

I'm a Mac. . . ?

I got a Mac for my birthday.  (I love you, Bill!)  And I love it very very much.  At the same time, I often feel like I am too stupid to operate it. 

I miss the "Home" and "End" keys.  I miss having both a "Backspace" and a "Delete" key.  The Control Key is really the Function Key, while the Command Key is really the Control Key, and both are in the wrong places!  I can't figure out how to crop a photo or edit a video.  I have a hard time moving video projects back and forth between home and work.  (Seriously, Apple, you open every Microsoft formatted document out there, but you won't open a .wmv or .wma?  Come on!) 

But I L-O-V-E LOVE the fact that it has not slowed down, frozen, or crashed on me at all.  I love how pretty it is.  (Yes, I'm still a girl.)  I love that everything in our house, from our computers to our iTunes to our TV to our printer to our phones works seamlessly.  I love how much freaking FASTER it is because it doesn't load 20 programs into the system tray. 

Yep.  I think I am a Mac.

Bloggers Anonymous. . .

Hello.  My name is Leslie.  And I have too many blogs.

And how do I deal with it?  I start another one! 

I have begun another blog that will document my weight loss journey that I began, once again and hopefully for all, last week.  Although I am going to give you the link in this post, and anyone is welcome to read it, the new blog will not feed directly into Facebook the way this one does. 

I will still maintain this one as my outlet for venting and for attempting to amuse people with silly anecdotes from my life.  But I feel my fitness/nutrition/weight loss blog will be much more personal than my typical blog posts, and should only be read by people who want to, and not clogging up space on people's Facebook Newsfeed.

So here you go.  I invite anyone who wants to walk this journey with me to follow along, whether it is from the sidelines as an encourager, or in the trenches with me.  Feel free to bookmark the site, read and comment.

My new blog will be found at: http://frenchfryloveaffair.blogspot.com/

Peace,
Leslie

Randomness. . .

So, I haven't written in awhile.  No excuse, other than that I haven't really had anything interesting to write about.  I still don't, but at the request of my loyal reader, here is some of the nothingness going on in my life.  :)

I just completed assembling my first slow cooker recipe other than throwing a hunk of brisket in, dumping in a can of coke and turning it on.  (I always over cook them.  Why is that?)  Of course, we won't be eating the concoction tonight.  The book I bought of slow cooker recipes does not publish a total cooking time on the page.  So I learned today that we must not stop when it says "cook on low for 2 1/2 hours," but we must continue reading, and look for phrases such as, "then add the ground beef and cook for two more hours."  Then the basic math comes in, etc., etc.

So the meal, which I thought would be ready around 7, is not going to be ready until 9.  No way I am waiting that late to eat, so it will be cereal tonight and an update on how the meal turned out tomorrow night.  :)  (Plus, I will disclose the recipe if it was any good.)

I joined Weight Watchers again today.  Not just the online version, either.  I'm going the whole way this time, baby.  Because even though online worked the first time, it didn't so much the second time.  So here we go.  I am quite annoyed with myself that I have to pay money as motivation to not sit around eating Zingers all day, but hey.  You do what you've gotta do, right?

And here is a piece of randomness for you.  In perusing the Internet earlier today looking for Pilates classes, I found a site where you can become a certified Pilates instructor.  I am a big fan of Pilates, though I have yet to find a decent class that doesn't charge a whole bunch of money, so I looked through the information.  I've decided that I would like to be an Pilates instructor.  The problem is that the closest place I could find that teaches the certification classes is in Dallas.  They are weekend classes, so I could do it this summer, but you have to have 20 hours of Mat Pilates classes taken before they will even look at you.  And, so, I continue my search for a decent Pilates class in Amarillo.  (I don't even know if any class will count or not.  I guess if I really want to do this I will find out.)

Quote for the day:  "Maturity means knowing you are crazy but being able to hide it."

Peace!

Quotes and Exchanges from a Weekend with the Nephews. . .

Rather than bore you with the synopsis of the weekend, I am just going to share some witty little tidbits of conversation between my 7 year old and 10 year old nephews and Bill and I from last weekend. The only particular order these are in is the order in which I remember them.

Leslie: "Do you know what I will do if you spill that drink in my car?"
Connor (7): "Take me in the bathroom, turn me upside down, and give me a 'twirlie?'"
***************

Sean (10): "Can we go to Logan's for dinner?"
***************

After Connor has been quizzing me about his church for awhile, asking questions such as "Do we have a flat screen?" and "Do we have video games?" --

Sean: "The answer to every question you ask her is yes!"
Connor: "Do we have a camel that kicks you as you walk in?"
***************

Leslie: "Since Sean picked where we are going for lunch, Connor, you can pick what we get for dessert."

. . . after lunch . . .

Connor: "I'm full. I don't want dessert."
Leslie: "Ok. Sean, what do you want for dessert."
Connor: "But you said I could pick!"
Leslie: "But you aren't going to eat any. . ."
Connor: "But you said I could pick."
Sean: "He's right. You said he could pick."
***************

At the pool, where Sean has been standing on top of the water slide for 15 minutes and is still dry:

Leslie: "Are you ok?"
Sean: "Yes."
Leslie: "Are you going to slide down, or are you going to hang out up there and work on your tan all day?"
Sean: "There's no lifeguard up here." (Mind you, there are 5 life guards on duty and only about 20 kids in the entire pool. Just no lifeguard at the top of the slide that only 3 kids are using.)
Leslie: "So?"
Sean: "Well, somebody's got to be in charge! These people don't know how to read!"
***************

Sean: "Can we eat at Logan's?"
***************

Leslie, in a text to Bill: "Gold Star for you Uncle Bill. You let one nephew snow you into renting video games that are for the PS3, which coincidentally, has only one controller."
Bill: "Don't let him fool you. One of those is for the Wii." (which has multiple controllers.)
Leslie: "My bad. I asked the other nephew why he wasn't playing, and he told me they were both for the PS3. I wonder who he got that idea from????"
***************

Here's one especially for those of you that know about the drama that ensues everytime I have to put my dogs outside--

Connor: "Abbey and Zoey wanted in so I let them in."
Leslie: "But I just put them out. And we are about to leave!"
***************

Leslie: "So, Sean, do you not like to swim and jump off of the diving board anymore?"
Sean: "Not really."
Leslie: " Then what do you do when you go to the pool?"
Sean: "Work on my tan, watch people, and push girls in the pool."
Leslie: "You push girls in the pool, or you watch people push girls in the pool?"
Sean: "Both."
***************

Sean: "Can we go eat at Logan's?"
***************

I truly may never be ready to be a parent. I adore my nephews and am even a little sad that I didn't get my 14 year old one for the weekend. But I would be lying if I said I did not relish in the utter silence that consumed my house that night. :)

The First Installment of "Things My Dogs Have Taught Me About Life."

I believe that dogs are hands down the happiest species in the world. As humans, being generally discontented most of the time with what we do or do not have, I think we can learn from dogs. This is what I have come up with so far. I'm sure they will teach me more. These are all written from my dogs' perspectives. I'll leave you to draw your own parallels.

1. Protect what you love with everything you have.

2. Yes, we make mistakes and sometimes get mad at each other. But, really, we should all be just a belly scratch and a Milk Bone away from forgiveness.

3. For optimal functionality, 16 hours of sleep daily is a must.

4. The outside world is a scary place. Never go alone.

5. Love everyone, but know who feeds you, who scratches your belly, and who sneaks you food from the table. These are your true friends.

6. If the ones you love feel threatened by someone, there is probably a reason for it. Be prepared to bite that someone on their behalf.

7. If you don't take time to check out/ sniff EVERYTHING everytime you go out, how will you know if someone new has been in your vicinity?

8. Old toys that haven't been played with for a long time are just as good as new toys.

9. Find time to curl up in your favorite spot and just sit.

10. Times will come when the one you love is upset and you just can't understand why. But even though you can't say anything to help, often just nuzzling her with your nose, licking her face, and letting her cry into your fur makes it all better.

And Now for the First Episode of "Maybe I Should Have Thought This Through a Little More. . . "

1. "I'm wearing black pants and a black shirt. I think I'll brush my dogs now."

2. "Look! Our margaritas came with extra shots! Do you want yours?"

3. "The rule plainly states, 'Liquor before beer, you're in the clear.' I don't think the amount of each has any relevance at all."

4. "I'm giving all of my summer clothes to Goodwill. I'll have lost 15 pounds by next summer, anyway."

5. "No, thanks. I think I can evenly spread sun block on my own back without missing any spots."

Yes, There is a Peace that Surpasses all Understanding. . .

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Note: my blog feeds into Facebook, and this entry is an emotional rant that those of you who do not know me well may not care to read. Please know that I take no offense should you stop reading part way through, or choose not to read at all. Also, please know that this entry is more for my own healing, and though your comments and encouragement are welcome, do not feel the need to comment.

I know that there are some of you that will be taken by surprise by what you read. Please send questions to my Inbox, but understand that it may be awhile before I reply.
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Never did I dream I would have to face the nightmare I am facing now.

Some would argue the source of my grief. Some would claim that I did not really lose a child, that what happened to us is no where near the same as losing a living, breathing child.

But I gave birth to him. I held him. I counted his fingers and toes and fell in love with his tiny tiny body. And even though he never got to breathe a single breath of air, and he never got to feel us hold him, he still existed. He was my son, and he was beautiful. And I loved him very much.

I do not claim to come anywhere close to understanding the grief and pain of parents who had the chance to know their child, to hear him cry, to know what made her happy or sad. I do not claim to understand how it feels to lose someone who was being raised and taught, but never got the chance to apply those lessons in his or her adult life. And at the same time, those parents will never understand my grief in never having that chance.

Once upon a time, some friends of mine and I formed the "Men Suck" club. (No offense, guys. We were immature college girls who were tired of being at the mercy of immature college guys.) One of the quotations we held so dearly was this:

"What do you do when the only one who can dry your tears is the one who made you cry?"

Never in my life did I even dream that the day would come when this quotation would apply to my Lord, my God.

What do you do when you are inconsolable, and the only one who can comfort you, the only one who can possibly understand your agony, is the one who caused it to happen in the first place? What do you do when the one whom you sought comfort from for years, in every situation, from break ups to work issues to problems with friends, is the one who took your son, who stilled his heart without any warning. Who allowed you to walk into a routine appointment more worried that you were going to be lectured for coloring your hair than about hearing a heartbeat that was there the two times before?

What do you do when the only one who can dry your tears is the one who made you cry?

I took psychology classes. I know the whole "Stages of Grief" business . . . shock/denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance. . . though I thought there used to be some fear in there somewhere, and some guilt, too. I have definitely experienced both of those, even if they are no longer official "stages." I always thought those were supposed to be experienced in order, not all at once. The shock wore off pretty quickly. Anger, fear, guilt and sadness have pretty much been taking their shots at me simultaneously. It's a roll of the dice which one I'm going to wake up with. And where is complete numbness in the process? And does everyone bargain? I have nothing to bargain with. I did everything I was supposed to, or so I thought.

On Thursday, in two days, we are supposed to find out what caused my son's heart to stop beating. . . that is if they can even find the cause. I have had every scenario in the world, ranging from possible to impossible, rational to irrational, go through my head. My second greatest fear is that I will hear on Thursday that I did something to cause this. My greatest fear is that I will hear that my body is just incapable of carrying a child. And it is this fear that nearly had me crippled most of the day yesterday. And at the end of the day, I finally had to break my silent treatment toward God.

We hadn't been on speaking terms for quite a while. Well, I hadn't been on speaking terms with Him, anyway. I'm sure he was trying to talk to me, and I just wouldn't listen. I sure didn't want to ask God for anything. I'd spent the last 16 weeks praying that I would be a good mother, that I would be able to bring up my child in such a way that teaches him to love the Lord. Little did I know what the Lord had coming for me. That's what gets me the most. God knew the whole time, before Ethan was even conceived that he was going to take him away from us.

But when a friend of mine awoke from a bursting aneurysm this week, I really had to at least thank him. People don't always wake up from those. But as far as anything to do with me, I had no desire to speak to him. I wasn't rejecting him, and I never rejected my salvation, but He took my son from me after letting me hear his heartbeat, and I was angry. Who does that? Why not take him before there was a chance to hear the heartbeat, like the first time?

I can carry anger for a very long time. I can give you some names to ask, if you don't believe me. Fear, however, is another story. I don't handle fear well. It paralyzes me. Bugs, loud noises when I'm home alone at night, major life changes. . . it doesn't matter. The fear suffocates me, causes me to be unable to move. . . and the fear of possibly never being able to have children was no different. And no one can help me deal with that fear. I finally had to turn to the Lord.

I cried to him. I yelled at him. I begged him. I thanked him for filling my life with friends who love me and who are there for me to lean on. I thanked him for my husband, who has not a clue how to help me but has just been there for me. I thanked him for my sister, who has been my greatest prayer warrior. And then I yelled and cried some more.

And when I was finished, I slept. Hard. I was exhausted. I don't think I budged the entire night.

And when I woke up this morning, I felt somewhat numb, with a strange sense of peace over me.

I am still scared of what I will hear Thursday morning. But I'm not paralyzed.

I still feel guilty, like this was somehow my fault, and that the better I start to feel, the more I am losing what little connection I had with my son.

I still hurt so much, because I want Ethan back so badly, but, for today anyway, the pain doesn't cripple me.

For today, I had peace. I never understood the concept of "peace that transcends all understanding", but now I do. For today, I had peace, and I do not understand why. But maybe if God is willing to grant me peace, then he will be willing to give us a child.

Day by day,
Leslie

Philippians 4:6-7
"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."

A Gut-Wrenchingly Happy Moment. . .

As we released the kids from class today for the last time this year, of course all of the staff is following behind them, yelling at them to get off campus amidst crying, hugging girls (I really don't get this. . . they are going to see each other on mySpace tonight, and at the mall tomorrow.)

I report to my duty station out in the parking lot (I got stuck guarding our cars from water balloons. Really. What exactly am I supposed to do about it?)

I see a man walking up in military cammies. I asked him if I could help him, and he said he was there to pick up his daughter. So I left him and went about shoo-ing kids and yelling at loiterers.

When the girl came out of the building and caught sight of him, she ran to him and jumped into his arms, at which time the realization hit us: he had just come home, and she was not expecting him. As 3 other teachers and myself looked on, goosebumps on our arms and tears in our eyes, he swung her around and just held her. We then saw mom, about 30 feet away, sitting in the car, tears in her own eyes, letting them have their moment. One teacher took pictures with her phone.

When he put her down after what seemed like forever, we walked over to talk to him. He has been in Iraq for the last year. One of our teachers hugged him herself. :) All I could do was stand there, listen, fight the giant lump in my throat, and then thank him when he was finished telling us his brief story before collecting his daughter and joining his wife in the car.

I know that image will stay with me for the rest of my life. I know so many people who are serving or whom have served to protect our freedoms, and there is no thank you big enough that the rest of us can offer up.

It brings to mind the saying: "Only two people have died for you: Jesus, and the American Soldier. One died for your soul, the other for your freedom."

Thank you all so much.

I'm a loser. . .

So, at the request of one of my two loyal followers, it is time to update my blog! I apologize for how long it has been, and I apologize for the length of this entry. A lot has gone on since January!

First, the conclusion of the washer saga. After the third wash tub arrived and was installed, we discovered a hairline crack. In other words, a crack so small we couldn't see it before installing it. How did we find the crack, you ask? Well, we found it when I walked into the kitchen after running a load and found myself up to my ankles in water.

So we called Home Warranty again, and they sent out a totally different company, and God bless this sweet man, he took one look at the washer and said, "Those are crap. I'm just going to tell them it can't be repaired."

And so we are now the home to a brand new Maytag washer. The funny thing is that it was the only option we were given that was not the same brand as the old washer, and it is Crimson. Goes well with our blue dryer. We are nothing if we aren't patriotic. (Well, I guess we are pretty funny, too. But that's about it. Funny and Patriotic.)

I finished my grad work last week, and I graduate on Saturday. (If they don't cancel it due to the flu outbreak. Damn Miss Piggy and her kissing all over people.) I have some issues over my grades in a couple of my final classes, but deep down, I don't really give a flying flip, because I am FINISHED!!!! Somebody slap the fire out of me if I ever talk about going back to school again. So I am soon to be a Master of Education in Instructional Design and Technology. (I'll explain that later. That's a blog post all it's own.)

And the final news is that I'm pregnant! 12 weeks today, to be exact. (Although I'm pretty sure all two of you knew that.) So far things are off to a much better start than last time. We heard a heartbeat at 9 weeks. So I'm sure most of my future posts will consist of updates about that.

I do believe it is time for a nap. I'm playing hooky today, and I plan to enjoy every minute of it. Until next time!

Peace,
Leslie

The Washing Machine-- a Story of Love, Hate, and Violence

When we moved in we got this really great (I thought) washer and dryer set. Kenmore Oasis 4.5 cubic ft. It washes 3 times what my old washer did. I loved this thing! We bought the set 2 years ago. About a year ago (conveniently after the warranty expired) we started getting an error code, but we figured out that if we just keep restarting the washer, we can eventually get around it.

Well, back in October we couldn't get around it anymore. So we called the Home Warranty people (finally this "insurance" is going to pay for itself!) and had someone come out and take a look.

Oh, if only it had been so simple.

The first time the guy came out, he replaced the computer and went on about his merry way. We tried a load and got a NEW error code. Called the Warranty people again, and two weeks later he is back out. He tries some trick with the drain hose and leaves. I get another, different error code. This time it says the washer is over loaded. Funny, I was running an empty washer at the time. Call again, and two weeks later he comes out for the 3rd time. He decides we need to replace the inner tubs, so he orders parts. He tells us that when the parts arrive at our house to call and he would come back and put them in. So a week later the parts arrive and 2 weeks later he comes back out.

He opens the box.

The outer tub is busted.

Now I am a pretty patient person, but at this point I am about to cry. You see, by this point I have been carting laundry back and forth to my mom's twice a week. I love my mom, but this is just exhausting.

So he orders the parts again, and for the 5th time a guy comes out yesterday. This is a different guy from the first four times, but we like him better. He didn't have to call tech support once!

We had opened the box when it arrived and the tub seemed ok. So we leave the guy to his devices. I take the dogs with me to go get coffee. When I come back, Bill is in the back yard with the dogs and I hear a strange sound from the garage. I thought the guy was calling Bill so I walked out there. Here is how the conversation transpired:

"Are your dogs put up?"

"Yes," I say. (This didn't surprise me. The last guy was afraid of our dogs.)

"Ok, so are you a violent person?" (He is smiling like he is joking, but my stomach is starting to drop.)

I reply, "Well, I swear a lot, and I tend to throw things, but I have never been known to physically harm a person." (I, too, am smiling, but he knows I am only partially joking.)

He says, "Ok. Then I should probably tell you that this outer tub is also busted."

"What?" I say. I can't possibly have heard him correctly.

He just points to the tub, which sure enough is busted. You see, since the other tub was busted on the top, it simply didn't occur to us to pull the blessed thing out of the box and check the bottom.

"Un-f-ing-believable," I say. And I start to laugh. Uncontrollably. Because after all of the drama with this washer and all of the sorry luck last week when Bill and I tried to go ski, all I can do is laugh.

FYI- I will NEVER IN MY LIFE buy another washer that is a "new design."

Also FYI- if you ever need to rent a washer, go to the RAC at the 2100 block of Georgia. The one at 34th and Georgia is worthless, and Aaron's Rent to Own requires a minimum of 3 months. (Dear Heaven, I hope our washer is fixed within 3 months!!!)

If anyone wants a free washer that they think they can fix, I will be dropping one off of a cliff at PD Canyon at the end of the month if it is not fixed. At least Home Warranty is footing the bill.

Ah. The peaceful start to the New Year I was hoping for!!!! :P

Peace go with you!

High Five, Blogger! Gold Star for You!

I have just figured out how to import my old blog into my new blog! Between that and importing this blog into my Facebook, I can now delete my other blog! Good job, Blogger!!