So, I'm working on a book by Max Lucado called Cure for the Common Life: Living in Your Sweet Spot. He defines the "sweet spot" in life as the intersection of my everyday life with my strengths and God's glory. He discusses how each one of us is created with a backpack specifically packed with the tools and talents we need on our journey through life. We unpack the backpack as we go through life, discovering what we are good at and what we are passionate about.
He tells us to look back over our lives and look for those moments when we were "on fire," when we thought, "I was made for this!" or when we just felt like we were flying. He says to look back as far as we can remember.
I don't have many of those moments. Could it be that I have missed my calling all of this time?
Is this why, as much as I love kids, I am so fed up with my job, and what seems to be the entire world around me?
I desperately desire to find my sweet spot. As I've read through the first five chapters, I've tried to look back over my life and make notes in the pages of points in my life when I have felt that way, and I just can't recall many. The ones I can recall seem petty to me, like my 1st grade t-ball team winning a city championship. The examples he gave in his book included things like, "I taught a blind child to swim," or, " I stood up for a special needs kid when others were making fun of him," or "I designed a video game." I've never done anything remotely like these things. Could I possibly have been living out of someone else's bag this entire time?
I'm hoping I will gain further insight as I get farther into the book. It is surely not a coincidence that I picked up the book now, at a point in my life when I just have no idea what I should be doing. Nothing seems satisfying anymore. Not coaching, not teaching, not being a wife . . . none of those things lights my fire anymore. As I look back over seven years, I wonder if they ever did. I wish I could find someone who could tell me, "I remember the fire in your eyes when you __________________." Or, "Remember when you ___________________? I never saw you so happy before that day." Or, "Why don't you _____________________ anymore? You used to be so passionate about that!"
That's as far as I've gotten so far.
On to other topics, I had my job interview this morning. I honestly have no idea how it went. I felt like it went well, but I don't know if they felt like it went well. I'll find out next week. I sure would like the job, though. I got my new projector and document camera today, and I felt like a kid on Christmas morning!! I'm such a geek!
Till next time . . .
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
The Freedom that Comes with Letting Go . . .
So, is it possible to be completely at peace but freak out at the same time?
I have never been one to deal well with surprises. If you know me at all, you know that I like everything planned out. Glitches don't bother me, and I don't mind having to change plans, but I do have to have a plan to start out with. "Living on a whim" drives me crazy. Enter Exhibit A: my husband and his entire family. (I love you, Baby!!) They do not plan anything. They will call me at 5:15 on a Saturday evening to meet for dinner at 5:30. If you know me at all, you also know that I do not bother to shower, fix my hair, or put on make-up on Saturdays unless I have to go somewhere. Some Saturdays I don't even bother getting out of my pajamas until I have to be somewhere. So you can see how lack of planning can create issues with me on Saturdays.
Enter Exhibit B: My place of occupation. I have moved my kids' final exam THREE TIMES because of last minute field trips, plays, and whatever else. This is frustrating for not only me, but my kiddos.
So, why in the world would I possibly place complete control of my job assignment next year into the hands of the principal that is leaving?
"Say, what?" you ask. "Are you on crack?" you wonder. "Has Leslie completely dropped off of the deep end?"
Well, it goes like this. I was pretty much given the choice between teaching history or teaching PE next year. Both are still attached to coaching, of course. (Forget about the IT job, we'll get to it later.) So I thought, "Great! I can teach PE, have no lesson plans, no TAKS accountability, no papers to grade, no tutoring, etc." So I chose it.
But it just didn't feel right. All kinds of doubts crept up in my head. For example, how could I give up teaching history? I love history. I majored in it for that reason. So I started to wonder if I should retract my request to change.
But then my original frustration came back. The difficulties that come with trying to find a balance between effectively teaching a class ( I have never been, nor will I ever be a "books and worksheets" kind of teacher) and effectively planning and coaching my girls every day before and after school. I have no opportunities to tutor, I can count on one hand the number of assignments I actually graded, and I can't give 100% of my effort to both. Is that fair to either my history students or my athletes?
The more I prayed, the more confused I got, until one day God hit me over the head with it: it's not my choice. God will put me where he wants me, and I think I am trying to control that. So I tried to let it go.
Again, if you know me at all, you know that letting go of control is not an easy thing for me.
I realized that the only way for me to let go of the illusion of control and give it to God (PSSH! like it was ever mine anyway) would be to give it up to my principal. So I did. I went into his office and told him to put me in whichever place he needed me. The difficult part is not knowing which it will be. You see, we are getting a new principal who will make that decision. That means there is a possibility I will not know until I report in August what I will be teaching. So I don't know if I need to pack up my room. I don't know if I need to work on history lessons or PE lessons over the summer.
And yet, I am ok with that. Because now I know that whichever I end up with, it will have been God's decision, and I will not have tampered with it.
And a word on the IT Specialist job I applied for: they reposted it. I don't know what that means, but if they interview me and offer that job, then I will cross that bridge when I get there.
Peace to you all!
I have never been one to deal well with surprises. If you know me at all, you know that I like everything planned out. Glitches don't bother me, and I don't mind having to change plans, but I do have to have a plan to start out with. "Living on a whim" drives me crazy. Enter Exhibit A: my husband and his entire family. (I love you, Baby!!) They do not plan anything. They will call me at 5:15 on a Saturday evening to meet for dinner at 5:30. If you know me at all, you also know that I do not bother to shower, fix my hair, or put on make-up on Saturdays unless I have to go somewhere. Some Saturdays I don't even bother getting out of my pajamas until I have to be somewhere. So you can see how lack of planning can create issues with me on Saturdays.
Enter Exhibit B: My place of occupation. I have moved my kids' final exam THREE TIMES because of last minute field trips, plays, and whatever else. This is frustrating for not only me, but my kiddos.
So, why in the world would I possibly place complete control of my job assignment next year into the hands of the principal that is leaving?
"Say, what?" you ask. "Are you on crack?" you wonder. "Has Leslie completely dropped off of the deep end?"
Well, it goes like this. I was pretty much given the choice between teaching history or teaching PE next year. Both are still attached to coaching, of course. (Forget about the IT job, we'll get to it later.) So I thought, "Great! I can teach PE, have no lesson plans, no TAKS accountability, no papers to grade, no tutoring, etc." So I chose it.
But it just didn't feel right. All kinds of doubts crept up in my head. For example, how could I give up teaching history? I love history. I majored in it for that reason. So I started to wonder if I should retract my request to change.
But then my original frustration came back. The difficulties that come with trying to find a balance between effectively teaching a class ( I have never been, nor will I ever be a "books and worksheets" kind of teacher) and effectively planning and coaching my girls every day before and after school. I have no opportunities to tutor, I can count on one hand the number of assignments I actually graded, and I can't give 100% of my effort to both. Is that fair to either my history students or my athletes?
The more I prayed, the more confused I got, until one day God hit me over the head with it: it's not my choice. God will put me where he wants me, and I think I am trying to control that. So I tried to let it go.
Again, if you know me at all, you know that letting go of control is not an easy thing for me.
I realized that the only way for me to let go of the illusion of control and give it to God (PSSH! like it was ever mine anyway) would be to give it up to my principal. So I did. I went into his office and told him to put me in whichever place he needed me. The difficult part is not knowing which it will be. You see, we are getting a new principal who will make that decision. That means there is a possibility I will not know until I report in August what I will be teaching. So I don't know if I need to pack up my room. I don't know if I need to work on history lessons or PE lessons over the summer.
And yet, I am ok with that. Because now I know that whichever I end up with, it will have been God's decision, and I will not have tampered with it.
And a word on the IT Specialist job I applied for: they reposted it. I don't know what that means, but if they interview me and offer that job, then I will cross that bridge when I get there.
Peace to you all!
Sunday, May 4, 2008
It is Finished . . .
. . . my coursework for the semester, that is! I sat, pissed off for two days doing my "Final Exam" assignments, as they were little more than repetitions of assignments I had already done for the semester. There was a time in my life when I would have killed for busy work in exchange for an easy "A." I believe that was also the time when I had little else to do with my life but drink and wait tables, too. Those times are over kids!
Anyway, I'm through for the semester. Now onto my top priorities for the next four weeks:
1. SURVIVE the rest of the semester with my adolescent students. Sadly, I really do adore most of them. It's just that select few . . .
2. Clean my freaking house. I look around it right now and I just want to run away. I want to go to someone else's clean house and just stay there. I wish I could get across just how messy this house is. I would put pictures up, but I am just too embarrassed. I know it is hard to believe that I could possibly be embarrassed by something, but this does it.
3. Start redecorating my house. I think I want to start with the floor. I know I want the carpet gone, but I can't decide if I want to stain the concrete or put down wood. Concrete would be easier, but I think I would be happier with wood. What do you think?
4. Concentrate really hard on losing more weight. Although I am pleased with my progress so far (18 pounds!!) I have really been stalled for the last 6 weeks. Time to get moving! I am 18 more pounds away from goal. (I'm actually only shooting for 13. 18 would be a bonus.)
By the way, I have applied for a job as an IT Specialist with the district. I am PRAYING that I get it. I need something different for a while. So, say a prayer for me that I am accepting of God's Will either way. Or just wish me luck. Whichever you prefer!
Hasta!
Anyway, I'm through for the semester. Now onto my top priorities for the next four weeks:
1. SURVIVE the rest of the semester with my adolescent students. Sadly, I really do adore most of them. It's just that select few . . .
2. Clean my freaking house. I look around it right now and I just want to run away. I want to go to someone else's clean house and just stay there. I wish I could get across just how messy this house is. I would put pictures up, but I am just too embarrassed. I know it is hard to believe that I could possibly be embarrassed by something, but this does it.
3. Start redecorating my house. I think I want to start with the floor. I know I want the carpet gone, but I can't decide if I want to stain the concrete or put down wood. Concrete would be easier, but I think I would be happier with wood. What do you think?
4. Concentrate really hard on losing more weight. Although I am pleased with my progress so far (18 pounds!!) I have really been stalled for the last 6 weeks. Time to get moving! I am 18 more pounds away from goal. (I'm actually only shooting for 13. 18 would be a bonus.)
By the way, I have applied for a job as an IT Specialist with the district. I am PRAYING that I get it. I need something different for a while. So, say a prayer for me that I am accepting of God's Will either way. Or just wish me luck. Whichever you prefer!
Hasta!
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