Reflection and Anticipation

I can honestly say that this is the first time I have ever truly taken time at the end of a year to reflect on the past 12 months and look ahead to those that are coming. Maybe it's because 2007 was such a rough year. (Wherever I end up tonight, I am taking my 2007 calendar with me and tossing it in the air at midnight tonight. I will probably stomp the crap out of it, too.) Or maybe it's because I turned 30 this year and am for the first time realizing that I am an adult. Whatever the reason is, I've done a lot of reflecting and anticipating this week.

Good things have happened this year. We finally got a new preacher at our church . . . and he is AMAZING! I can't wait to see how the Lord blesses us through him in 2008. I had a great fall semester at work, and I began my Master's Degree. I don't know what I'm going to do with it, but I began it.

I have a tendency to carry things with me long after carrying them has ceased to be useful. I don't want the disappointments of 2007 to carry into 2008. So, after much talking with friends, prayer, and reflection, I have decided (with the help of a friend) that the only way to keep from looking back is to set myself some goals to look forward to. I've set nine so far. (Yes, Chelsey, I thought of another one!!) My goal (no pun intended) is to set ten. Some I want to keep to myself, but here are a few of them:

-As suggested by Milt, I want to read my Bible 5 minutes a day, 5 times a week.

-I want to create a reading list, and actually read all of the books on it. I plan to use friends' Facebook and MySpace sites to help with this list, so post those books!!!

-Run in 2 5K's.

-Re-do my living room . . . floor, walls, EVERYTHING!!

-Get close enough to finishing my master's degree that I can complete it in the summer of '09.

-Blog at least once a week.

So there's half of my goals. When you see me, ask me how one or more of them is going!!

I wish all of you a happy and blessed 2008 . . . and to 2007 I say, "Be gone and never invade my thoughts again!"

We Grow . . .

So, since I've turned 30, I've done a lot of thinking about where I was and where I've been and who I've become. I have changed so much in ten years that those who knew me ten years ago (and haven't been around for the gradual change) would probably not recognize me. I've gone from being a needy, affectionate, borderline co-dependent girl to a strong, almost too independent woman. There have been changes . . . many for the good, and some not so much. And oh, the things I have learned about myself.

1. There is a VERY fine line with me between too much space and not enough space when it comes to other people.
2. Too much space I get depressed. Not enough space, I get bitchy.
3. I am more of a perfectionist than I ever realized, and when I get overwhelmed, I shut down. If I can't do it all, then I don't want to do any of it.
4. Above anything else in this world, I love to laugh.
5. I have discovered that, as easy going as I am, deep down I am a control freak who doesn't know how to trust.
6. I desperately want to let someone take care of me, but I don't trust anyone to do it.
7. Love is a choice . . . not an emotion. That "love" feeling is something else. It is choosing to love through the good and the bad, though sickness and health, through richer or poorer that makes marriages last. And it is the hardest choice to make sometimes.
8. I miss dancing. Even though I suck at it, I miss it.
9. I am so terrified of rejection and failure that I won't invite any old friends to add me on myspace or facebook, I will probably never leave my job, and will probably never get around to applying for admission to Tech.
10. I want to sing backup harmony with a Folk or Christian group.
11. I HATE being rushed. I really do hate being late. Most people do not believe this about me.
12. I am late all the time because I am a damn people pleaser and I try to fit too much in.
13. I am a night owl. It's just the way I am biologically made. I like to stay up late. No matter how little sleep I get, I always get a second wind about 6:00 in the evening.
14. I am in no way ever going to be a morning person. I like to wake up slowly. This isn't going to change about me no matter how much sleep I get the night before.
15. I really should only teach honors kids. I really don't have the patience for kids who do not read on grade level. (I know, this is very sad.)
16. Give me a month to do something, and it will be done in a month. Give me a day to do something, and it will be done in a day. Give me something to do, and tell me to do it "when I can," and it will never be done.
17. I stole this line from someone, but it describes me well: "I am courteous towards others, and I expect courtesy in return."
18. My biggest pet peeve, above all else, is wasted time and inefficiency.
19. I am a responder/contemplater, which means by nature I tend to respond without thinking. I know this about myself and am working on it. Please give me time (even just a few moments) to consider an issue before asing me to comment on it. You probably don't want my initial response.
20. We do not all worship the same God.

I'm sure I will think of other things as I continue contemplating my first 30 years of life. And there are many more that I won't put on this blog for the simple fact that I don't want the free world reading them. But I am fairly proud of who I've become, even if I still need some work!!

Once Again . . . Musings from the Realm of PRE-5 AM . . .

Well, well, well!! Look who's awake again! I honestly don't know what happened. . . . there I was, sound asleep like a baby, and BAM! It's 3:45 and I'm ready to run a marathon, cook dinner, and mow my lawn. (Be sure and note the sarcasm there.) I laid in bed for an hour in denial, and finally gave in. So here I am, once again for your reading pleasure!!

But, I guess I can't complain much. I am finally ready for school to start . . . well, I guess that depends on your definition of ready . . . I have a plan for the first day. Does that qualify as ready? . . . my Cubs are first in their division . . . my house is quasi-clean . . . other than being conscious at this awful hour, I don't have an excuse to not be pretty pleased with life right now. Now when it is time to get up for church and I have only had 4 hours of sleep, my outlook may change. But right now I am awake, pleasant, have a German Shepherd sleeping on each foot . . . who wouldn't want to be me right now!!! I think I should call all of you and share my current state of contentment . . . yeah, I should call each and every one of you RIGHT NOW!!!

Peace Out!!

Eminent Doom . . .

Not really . . . I always just liked the word "eminent." It's a cool word!

I cannot believe that school is upon me. It is Thursday, and the kids start on Monday. Never in my 7 years of teaching have I been this unprepared this close to the first day. I am one of those teachers that goes up 4 weeks before we have to. By the time we officially have to report, my room is completely done (and probably rearranged 4 or 5 times), my lesson plans for the first 6 weeks are done, and my copies for the first two weeks are done.

OHHHHH MY!! NOT THIS TIME!! I haven't even finished my room yet, and don't get me started on lesson plans! I don't know what has been so different about this coming year . . . what could possibly have so diminished my motivation. Is it burn out? Did I just get too spoiled this summer by not having to do anything? Hmmmm . . .

I went to a really great training this week that I got so many great ideas from . . . and yet I can't force myself to sit down and organize those ideas into something coherent and usable. AARRRGGHH!! I hate the feeling that I would rather be cleaning my toilet than lesson planning.

Did I mention that my precious Zoey ate my skiing ear muff this morning?

I am so overwhelmed this year. My responsibilities include:
-Teaching 2 honors history classes
-Teaching one non-honors class
-Coaching 2 volleyball teams(and all of the opportunities to assist the high school teams)
-Technology Committee
-Wellness Committee (We had to pick a couple of committees.)
-Mentor a 6th grader
-"team leader" for 7th grade social studies (which is just a really nice way of saying that I get to be responsible for all the paperwork and documentation.)

The first three are given, but I can honestly say that if I had known the other three would be placed on my shoulders, I would have put off beginning my master's degree yet again.

I need prayer. I need prayer that I will find joy in the midst of all of this so that I can stop reading back over my blogs, disgusted with myself and how much I tend to whine lately.

School Supplies . . .

I ran into a fellow school teacher at Wal-mart. Her cart had a significant amount of beer in it. "What have you been up to?" she asked. "Getting ready for school to start," I replied, not without a sad tone to my voice. She glanced in her cart and said, "Yeah. Me, too."

Awesome. I've got to update my school supply list.

I'm Putting a Junk Mail Container Beside My Mailbox

Of all the Junk Mail I have received in my mailbox throughout my life, I cannot remember a time when I ever thought, "Wow! I can't believe my luck! I was just hoping with every fiber of my soul that this ad would appear in my mailbox, and there it is!!"

And why is it that when you sign up for something on the Web, that organization gets license to not only pummel you with Junk E-mail, but also fill your snail mail box at the same time?

The reason I bring this up (sorry, darkness reigns again) is that here I am, 2 weeks from what should have been my due date, and even though I unsubscribed to all of the cute little pregnancy newsletters I had signed up for, my mailbox is still filled daily with ads for diapers, samples of formula, and . . . this is the one that did me in today . . . requests for DONATIONS for newborn prematurity research. Not from a reputable organization like the March of Dimes, mind you, but some organization I've never heard of.

So here is my thoughts: If my e-mail can filter out junk mail into a separate folder, and do so relatively effectively, my post man should do the same. He can drop all junk mail into the basket beside my mailbox, and once every couple of weeks I can either go through it or trash it, just like my e-mail junk mail folder!! It's perfect!!!

Out of the Darkness . . . Musings of an Insomniac

I really should stop writing blogs in the middle of the night. I have come to realize that I often don't remember writing them the next day . . . or at least I vaguely remember what I said. But, here I am anyway. I don't know what pressed me to start up another blog . . . no one reads the one I already have on MySpace, but what the heck . . . it is almost 1 AM . . . all logic went out the window several hours ago.

To anyone who does read my blogs, my apologies for the dark nature of them lately . . . I will hopefully pull out of this valley soon. Maybe that is what has spurred the beginning of this one . . . maybe starting a completely new blog will help me pull out of this dark place I seem to have been wandering in for quite some time.

It has been a crazy year. Keeping in mind that teachers think of years as August to July, as opposed to January to December. So my New Year's Day is coming up quickly. And maybe that is a source of my darkness lately . . . My New Year's Day, August 16th, is also what should have been the due date of our first child . . . I have really tried to not think about it and not let it get to me, but the more I try to push it off, the more it seems to eat at me. I don't know why. There is nothing I can do to change it, but it is so surreal to think that right at this very moment I could have been 30 pounds heavier and preparing to bring a life into this world. I just can't seem to stop imagining what it would have been like. But then, my daydreams always seem to turn dark, and end in some kind of catastrophe. I am unsure why I do this. But I digress . . .

So August 16th starts a new year for me. Gone is the year of new house, surprise pregnancy, surprise non-pregnancy, termites, and mass changes at work. It is time to start over. I have 17 days to pull out of this darkness before school begins again. I want so badly to have a positive outlook on life again, but my mind is a battlefield, and it feels war-torn and beaten, as does my heart. I have to pull it together. I have to, before I fall deeper in . . .