The Freedom that Comes with Letting Go . . .

So, is it possible to be completely at peace but freak out at the same time?

I have never been one to deal well with surprises. If you know me at all, you know that I like everything planned out. Glitches don't bother me, and I don't mind having to change plans, but I do have to have a plan to start out with. "Living on a whim" drives me crazy. Enter Exhibit A: my husband and his entire family. (I love you, Baby!!) They do not plan anything. They will call me at 5:15 on a Saturday evening to meet for dinner at 5:30. If you know me at all, you also know that I do not bother to shower, fix my hair, or put on make-up on Saturdays unless I have to go somewhere. Some Saturdays I don't even bother getting out of my pajamas until I have to be somewhere. So you can see how lack of planning can create issues with me on Saturdays.

Enter Exhibit B: My place of occupation. I have moved my kids' final exam THREE TIMES because of last minute field trips, plays, and whatever else. This is frustrating for not only me, but my kiddos.

So, why in the world would I possibly place complete control of my job assignment next year into the hands of the principal that is leaving?

"Say, what?" you ask. "Are you on crack?" you wonder. "Has Leslie completely dropped off of the deep end?"

Well, it goes like this. I was pretty much given the choice between teaching history or teaching PE next year. Both are still attached to coaching, of course. (Forget about the IT job, we'll get to it later.) So I thought, "Great! I can teach PE, have no lesson plans, no TAKS accountability, no papers to grade, no tutoring, etc." So I chose it.

But it just didn't feel right. All kinds of doubts crept up in my head. For example, how could I give up teaching history? I love history. I majored in it for that reason. So I started to wonder if I should retract my request to change.

But then my original frustration came back. The difficulties that come with trying to find a balance between effectively teaching a class ( I have never been, nor will I ever be a "books and worksheets" kind of teacher) and effectively planning and coaching my girls every day before and after school. I have no opportunities to tutor, I can count on one hand the number of assignments I actually graded, and I can't give 100% of my effort to both. Is that fair to either my history students or my athletes?

The more I prayed, the more confused I got, until one day God hit me over the head with it: it's not my choice. God will put me where he wants me, and I think I am trying to control that. So I tried to let it go.

Again, if you know me at all, you know that letting go of control is not an easy thing for me.

I realized that the only way for me to let go of the illusion of control and give it to God (PSSH! like it was ever mine anyway) would be to give it up to my principal. So I did. I went into his office and told him to put me in whichever place he needed me. The difficult part is not knowing which it will be. You see, we are getting a new principal who will make that decision. That means there is a possibility I will not know until I report in August what I will be teaching. So I don't know if I need to pack up my room. I don't know if I need to work on history lessons or PE lessons over the summer.

And yet, I am ok with that. Because now I know that whichever I end up with, it will have been God's decision, and I will not have tampered with it.

And a word on the IT Specialist job I applied for: they reposted it. I don't know what that means, but if they interview me and offer that job, then I will cross that bridge when I get there.

Peace to you all!